So Little She Was

*This is a “tumble out” poem. “Tumble out” is my term for a poem without punctuation on purpose. It is meant to be read quickly, without regard for cadence, rhyme, or pause to reason in one fell swoop. Words that tumble out, without revision, are both raw and real. Eat it all at once, and then digest it slowly. 

So Little She Was 

She was hurt by someone big when she was little and she didn’t talk about it didn’t tell anyone and she was hurt again too believe it or not when they all told her she was pretty how pretty she was

and they kept telling her that and she thought well at least that is something

I am something

and it was supposed to make her feel good, but it didn’t no it did not

she felt lonely instead lonely inside herself with feelings she didn’t understand

to be put in that position

so little she was

and she couldn’t live up to what they thought of her their expectation their view of her but she tried you know she tried for years and years

and instead of speaking her truth she stuffed it back down deep down inside she couldn’t bear it knowing they were wrong about her

about who she really was

and it was all so very ugly but that is what she did

she let them think she was alright so it was not their fault not their fault at all

but she swallowed pain, her shame it is something most of us do we do it because we are human it is just the way

it is the way of things

and then there was this time in her life when she stomped down her foot

and she banged down her fist

and said enough is enough I’m done I’m so fucking done with this

and she set forth to build herself new again from the inside out and doing that takes work such painful work

it was I’m too old for this kind of work but also

I’m too young to give up kind of work

it was tired fighting work

and she knew it was important was essential for her to do it to deal with it before her glorious God-given life was over

before she crumbled to dust

she did it she forgave herself for all the time lost

and did it before time swallowed her before the clouds the dark clouds descended even more before they pulled her under

she made her way through

before she was sucked up and spit out

she did it

and when she did it she did it blindly fearfully vulnerably resentfully

she told the truth she let it go she let it float out and up and away

past her broken promises past her remorse past her past too

it swirled and danced above all that

it wiggled with sweet and blessed relief

so relieved is was to be free

her truth made her whole again

and now she is

now she is pretty

simply because

because

 she is happy

and

she is happy 

because

she

let it go

she let all of it go

and

she

is

the

one

who

made

herself

so