Regrets, I Have A Few

Oh, regrets. We all seem to have a few. Looking back on my life there are many things I would have done differently had I been more aware of living in the present. Making changes soon enough so that regrets remain minimal is the key. When we live presently, we are aware of the importance of self expression. Taking time to really explore our interests and the world around us is essential.

Blessed are people who screech into the grave, knowing they lived their lives to the fullest. These are people who spent their time learning, loving, building, creating, taking risks, growing and enjoying their life along the way. It could very well be a life sprinkled with apologies, but kudos must go to those who live presently enough to understand what is truly important to their own happiness. They follow their own path (especially when it requires making difficult changes or decisions), and tend to live with very few regrets.

Regrets are such sad, mournful things. A heavy bucket of them can weigh a person down. The good news is there is always time to tweak what isn’t working in our lives. We can lighten the load of our collected regrets if we remain open to suggestions. As human beings, we learn the most from our own mistakes. Despite that apparent truth, I have revealed a few of my regrets here as a cautionary tale.

Cleaning instead of playing with my children

For some reason, I could never do anything at all, ever, unless I was organized and my house was squeaky clean. I wouldn’t leave, go outside, or to the store. It was difficult for me to even play with my kids. I had this picture in my mind about what my house needed to look and feel like in order for me to function as a happy mom. I had to project perfection in order to actually enjoy play time. My poor kids.

Now I look back and regret not savoring their childhoods more. In my heart, I don’t think being a slob is okay, but I know that most of the cleaning and organizing fed my need for perfection and did nothing for them. Children grow up fast. The house can wait. Trust me when I say that you will have years and years of a clean, quiet house after your kids leave the nest. 

Worrying about reactions to my opinion

I’ve always had a problem “speaking up.” I am afraid of offending someone, or getting into an argument. Once upon a time, I kept my opinion to myself. I projected an empty and uninteresting personality. What I have learned is that the more I know, the more confident I am speaking my mind. I can respectfully express myself, and it’s empowering. I regret not speaking up in given situations along the way for fear of “rocking the boat.” Expression is a healer. When we don’t express ourselves and our opinions, we harbor resentment and anger. And these feelings often turn into regrets over time.

Blaming my mother

So often, when we are riddled with problems, (as was the case with my unhappiness and my eating disorder), we look to place blame somewhere, on someone. Many years were spent blaming my mother (silently and vocally) for everything about myself that I didn’t like or couldn’t control. I never asked for help, or took ownership of my own behaviors. Using the crutch of the blame game was easy.

My beautiful, generous mother did a fine job raising me. She wasn’t perfect, but she loved me and she tried her best. Kids do not come with instructions. She didn’t deserve my wrath, my anger, or my pointed finger. We all dance in the shadow of our upbringing and it affects the way we raise our kids. My mother is not at fault for the way I chose to live or mask my pain, and I regret making her feel guilty.

Not traveling

When I graduated from college, several friends of mine took off. One went to Europe for a whole summer, flying by the seat of her pants, exploring every nook and cranny with just a backpack and a passport. One whole group left town and simply headed out west, with no set plan. They found jobs and settled in to very different lives far from where they grew up. I moved back into my parents’ house, met a guy who lived one town over, promptly got married and had two kids.

Now, of course I love family, but if I’m being honest, I do regret not being more adventurous and traveling more when I had no serious responsibilities and the chance.

Backing out of plans

In the throes of my eating disorder, and with my lifestyle in general, I was never spontaneous. For example, because of my weight and insecurity, when the time would come to head over to a party I would somehow suddenly not feel well, or simply not want to go out and socialize. Part of my disease is about isolation, and hiding. I backed out of plans at the last minute, or canceled abruptly all the time. It’s a coping behavior, plain and simple.

I regret these actions tremendously, because I essentially missed so much of the fun parts of life. When I find myself doing this now, I put a stop to it as quickly as it starts. Plans are for today- and tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Thinking I was fat

I obsessed over being fat. To me, a size 8 was fat. A size 12 was fat. Now I hover between those very sizes and I marvel over the thought that at one point in my life, I truly thought it meant I was fat. Along with feeling fat comes the feeling of worthlessness. The fear of looking fat always haunted me. Long ago, clothing was made and tailored for each individual figure because women came beautifully packaged in all shapes and sizes. Now, if you don’t fit a certain waif-like ideal, you simply feel fat. At this very moment, I regret wasting so much time on this stupid subject. I regret even writing this last sentence because it gives the subject more time than it deserves.

Harboring resentment

So many of my days were spent angry, alone, and resenting a life that I alone chose to live. My young adult life was spent wallowing in a mucky mud puddle of negativity. Not only did I blame my mother, I was also mad at my husband because he went off to work while I took care of the house and kids. I resented everything and everyone around me who had what I didn’t – an actual true life. Instead of confronting my feelings or changing my behaviors, I simply let the resentment pile up. I regret the time I wasted harboring resentment more than anyone will ever know, and more than I can ever write about.

Spending too much money

Money in, money out.  Most of us tend to adjust our spending habits based on income, which is foolish. I regret not saving money earlier in my life. Having a bit of money saved is the foundation that supports freedom and stability. Like it or not, money is essential for personal happiness. I squandered my money on unnecessary, material things. Things purchased “in the moment” for instant gratification. This is a deep regret because they are things I don’t remember and don’t have in my possession today.

Being overly critical of others

When I watch reality shows about addiction – like “My 600 pound Life” or “Intervention” I am a little too quick to be disgusted. I often think, what the hell is wrong with these people? Why can’t they just change? But then I remember that we often criticize the weakness we see in others because we know how transparently it lurks inside us. I always regret choosing criticism (even in thought alone) over compassion. Criticism in this context consists of negative energy that my body, soul, and mind thrive without.

Not taking my makeup off before bed

Oh, the dreaded makeup removal! It takes 2 minutes, and yet for years I simply brushed my teeth and went to bed (most nights).  I regret this because it’s gross, but also because it aged my skin prematurely. If you wear makeup, take that shit off before bed. Then slather on some serious “night renewal serum” or some such shit and let it work its magic. With a little routine skin care we can look as beautiful on the outside as we feel inside.

Waiting too long to put fitness first

Fitness wasn’t always a part of my life. I remember being lethargic and sedentary. I waited way too long to enjoy the benefits of simply moving regularly. The biggest surprise of a solid exercise program is that the psychological benefits far outweigh the physical ones.  Physical activity is one of the keys to a happy and productive life. Exercise changes our minds, and that it what’s needed for growth. 

All the things I didn’t finish

Our life tends to be filled with starts and stops. We leave so much of it incomplete. My mission this year to simply finish what I start. I proclaimed publicly that I would run a half marathon, and I would actually finish writing a book. I’ve spent my life giving up when the going gets tough and I regret it. This year will be different because I’ve chosen to be different.

Living ungratefully

So many of us take our lives for granted, and we live as though every day is a given. It isn’t. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. As soon as we begin to live in a way that reflects gratefulness for each new day, each new chance we get to be fulfilled, we start to really see how absolutely beautiful our life can be. I regret not coming to this epiphany sooner.

The wonder of regrets is that when we lay them out, we learn about ourselves. What do you regret?  Can you make it right? Some things we can’t change because we can’t go back in time. But we can certainly change ourselves and our actions moving forward in a way that reflects what we have learned along the way.

These days, I’m grateful just to open my eyes and begin each day with a happy heart. I am learning to push myself to finish what I start. I’m even taking my makeup off before bed! When I’ve got something to do, especially if it involves my kids or something fun, I throw down my wash cloth and walk away from my chores.

The dishes stay stacked in my sink and the laundry stays in a dirty pile. I let it go. The moments I seek are happening now. That mundane, life-sapping shit can wait. 

Our bucket of regrets (the one we all carry around), indeed grows a bit lighter each time we make the choice to live our lives presently, gratefully, with purpose, and without resentment.  

Click here to read Make It Matter, a personal essay about life.