To hit like or not to hit like, that is the question. Although I too “engage” in Facebook regularly (I post, I like, I share, and I comment), I’m still baffled by it. It’s a phenomenon. I believe that some people (maybe most) use their collection of likes on Facebook to boost their self esteem (I do and so do you so stop kidding yourself). This, of course, inevitably leads straight into the belly of a disease I will call Facebook Performance Anxiety – or “FPA” for short.
Let’s consider that the main goal of any Facebook post is to garner likes and comments. It is. Why the hell else would we do it? Facebook is a wonderful place to express ourselves, and share our lives with others – it connects us – but if we are being truly honest, it’s also a way for us to see who is paying attention. It’s instant feedback. A lot of thought can go into a Facebook post because, let’s be real here, we want those likes.
Sometimes we have an exceptional post, and we just know that when we put it on our wall we can kick back on easy street and watch the likes roll in. Our phones blow up with red notifications and for a little while we revel in extreme Facebook popularity. But other times, during darker moments, our posts go uncelebrated by our Facebook friends. We can blame it on the the timing, or we can blame it on the subject…it doesn’t really matter. For whatever reason, these posts are the “air balls” of Facebook. They are silently booed as they bounce haphazardly into the stands.
When we do get the likes, it’s important for our end of the year Facebook Performance Review to categorize them as follows:
The Plain Old Like: This is a like we usually get – nothing to scoff at, but nothing special. It doesn’t come from random people – it’s one that makes us feel loved and cared for by our closest Facebook friends. We count on these likes. Even if our friends don’t actually like our post, they always hit like because they like us. These likes are work horses – the very backbone of our daily like tally.
The Immediate Like: This like comes in way too quick. It’s kind of desperate. It’s a strong indicator that the liker is simply hanging out on Facebook and scrolling through the feed, stalking non-stop. A “too quick” like is fine (since it helps us meet our quotas) but it falls dangerously close to “Taken For Granted” likes, which are considered (by most experts) to be the bottom of the barrel.
The Quality Like: This is an ever elusive, highly coveted like. Perhaps it comes from a cousin who never likes or comments on anything you post, ever. Perhaps it’s from someone who posts on Facebook all the time, yet doesn’t bother to comment or like anything on your wall. A quality like can also be from someone who doesn’t appear to be on Facebook, but for some random reason, he or she not only logs on, but takes a moment to hit like on something you posted. The Quality Like is rare. It’s high end. It’s the Rolls Royce of likes.
The Secondhand Like: This is a random like. It’s the like you get for your posted photo from someone who doesn’t know you, but knows the other person in the picture. Secondhand likes are great. They improve our big picture numbers tremendously and shouldn’t be downplayed when the 4th Quarter Trend Report is issued.
The Power Like: This like is all about quantity. The liker appears to log onto Facebook once every two or three weeks. She bangs out a shit ton of likes on your stuff all at once, like it’s her job. You can count on this like, but it might take a while, so patience is key. A power liker tends to throw a like on photos you posted years ago, for example, which leaves you both delighted and a bit perplexed. A like from this person is simply a waiting game, but it will indeed come.
The Taken For Granted Like: This sad little like is nothing special. It’s assumed. It’s always there, rain or shine. You could post a picture of your bloody knee and this person will still hit like. She never comments, she just hits like. It’s predictable. We count on this like to meet respectable monthly numbers, but it’s a doormat, plain and simple.
The Left Field Like: This is the like you get that makes you stop everything and just say “WHOA” – because you haven’t seen or heard from the liker since the initial friend request was accepted. You are friends on Facebook, of course, but not really. You both politely go about your business and stay off each other’s page. You may have known this person from years ago in high school, but the understanding is that you don’t interact, and it’s all good. The unexpected nature of the Left Field Like is a sweet surprise, which is why it comes in close second to the treasured Quality Like.
If you suffer from FPA, here’s a handy list of tips on what to post and what to avoid:
Successful posts (ones that win the most likes):
- Animals of any kind. period. End of story. In order to bait likes, look no further than posting a picture of your adorable pooch, or any cute little animal. It wins every time. No one gives a damn about your garden or your vacation, believe me, but boy do we all love animals.
- Throw Back Thursday and baby photos are good too. They usually draw some attention because they’re dated and fun to look at.
- Oh, and fun to look at? Cleavage posts. Never underestimate the power of cleavage for Facebook likes.
- And when all else fails, throw an inspirational quote onto your timeline. Something by Rumi, or Anais Nin. Quotes work like a charm to reel in likes.
- Views. We seem to like photos of you perched high atop a mountain, staring off into the distance, basking in the beauty of your surroundings, preferably holding a large, fluffy dog.
Neglected posts:
- Exercise posts. Honestly, who cares?
- A blurry photo that leaves the viewer wondering why the hell anyone would ever post it. Avoid these at all costs because it creates acute disdain among viewers, and your next photo will be judged extra harshly. If you want to bounce back from this Facebook Faux Pas, you better make it good. Reminder: When in doubt, employ the like-power of a post that features a furry subject.
- Album posts – (50+ pictures have been added!) No one will scroll through your 50 photos so why would you post so many? Pick one or two, okay? Let there be some mystery in your life events, please.
- Selfies and more selfies. Enough already. We all know what you look like, and damn it, you’re really cute.
Posts that usually piss people off:
- Shaming posts that guilt the viewer into liking or re-posting. “Hit like if you love your daughter!” or “Copy and paste if you believe that all people are created equal!” I mean, of course I do, but I don’t have to advertise it, do I?
- Political or religious content – it’s not terrible, but it does make people uncomfortable. Remember, there should be no hesitation whatsoever when it comes to hitting the like button.
- The “one up” posts. These happen when we do something cool and post about it… But then our friend, in an attempt to relate herself to our experience, posts an even better and more like-able thing that blows our shitty post right out of the water. For example, maybe you post a photo of your cat in a hat – it’s fun, cute, getting a ton of likes…and then suddenly she posts her cat in a full puss-n-boots costume doing something extra weird like biting her tail or sticking out her tongue, which is, of course, completely freakin’ cute, I mean, you can’t look away because it’s so much better than your lame ass attempt. There should be a “WTF?” button for this type of post, as they are indeed emotionally scarring. WARNING: “Thunder stealing” posts hurt like hell and may lead a person straight to therapy.
My Facebook self worth (even more important than my true self worth) is contingent upon controlling my Facebook Performance Anxiety (FPA). Understanding the levels of power behind the variety of likes I receive makes it all a bit easier to manage.
In conclusion, I would like to propose a Facebook Rating System for the purpose of more accurate Facebook Performance reporting. Perhaps, in the future, it will be permissible to begin rating posts on a 1 – 10 scale? “Um, I give this post a 7…it’s funny, for sure, but not funny enough for a 9 or a 10 from this judge. Sorry, but you need to work harder.” I know about the new reaction buttons…I get it. Facebook is trying to help us get in touch with our feelings. But, might I suggest an “it’s just okay” button in addition to the aforementioned “WTF?” button? It could very well prevent a disease I will refer to as Over Posting Syndrome, or “OPS” for short.
Read more about OPS here: Over-Poster