I went out looking for myself, and this is what I found
A heaping, hot mess of abuse, not entirely unsound
Some given, some received
Some conjured, some perceived
Copious judgment, hoarded stores of pain
Senseless actions and wounding words –
Seeping, weeping, insecurity remained
Compulsion, revulsion,
Binge and expulsion
Five bloody knives from flesh cut and sewn
And three cysts suspect, that formed on their own
The pile of guarded secrets, and all those pardoned lies,
A pretty mask of deception, her needs so brilliantly disguised
When I went looking for myself, I found a buzzing nest of rage,
I also found that funny girl you know, who competes for center stage.
I found her tripping over self-pity, blame, and remorse
I found her treading water, gasping – a sore throat, hoarse.
Then, I forgave her. It wasn’t easy, but I did.
What appeared was sweet mercy and immeasurable grace
I discovered serene humility in a sacred, God-like place
Because I found a letter from a lady…from one Betty the Best
“Don’t forget about yourself, Kimmy, in your life manifest
Your dreams are your gifts, the gifts you have been given
Use them for purpose, be practiced and be driven
Don’t wallow in antipathy, especially for self
And don’t find excuses to gather dust upon a shelf
To always feel rewarded, be the first to raise your hand
When issues are important, be sure to make your stand
Say yes to adventure, to children, and to prayers
And if you want legs like mine, always take the stairs
Do the work, just do it, to be worth your weight in salt,
And if you have regrets, my dear, it will be your own damn fault”