Saying no has never been easy for me. When it comes to avoidance of what I need for myself, I’m a yes girl. Another slice of pie? Yes, please. Want to blow off class and go to the mall? Yes, I sure do! Can you watch my dog for the day? Okay, no problem. Can you come help me clean my garage? To avoid cleaning my own? Of course I can! What do you say to not exercising today? I’m in! I really like saying yes…it pleases me to please myself and be a “pleaser” because it feeds my inner need for over-indulgence and acceptance. Yes is who I am.
So what happens with too much yes? Well, you get fat, your grades slip, and your free time is consumed by doing things for other people while you ignore your own needs. Over time, resentments build on all fronts. Too much yes leads to a lack of energy for the things you need to do for yourself. It makes you feel undisciplined. It also inevitably leads to feeling like you are being taken for granted by your family and friends.
Obviously it’s still okay to say yes…many times it’s absolutely what you should do. Good friends help good friends and your kids need rides and new stuff. And it really is okay to take a “day off” to indulge a little when the pie is just that good, or if you need to have some spontaneous fun. But more often than you would think, “no thank you” is the correct answer.
Over the past few years, I learned to say no. It wasn’t easy. It became easier once I started doing it, but it hurt a little too. I do not like denying myself instant pleasure, for one, and I hate saying no to friends when they want to make plans with me or need my help. For example, I had to say no a lot when it came to social gatherings because I was “in a zone” with my weight loss and fitness efforts. Saying no kept me on track. Saying no and sticking to it supported my focus. Learning to say, “no, thank you” with grace, kindness and honesty increased my self esteem. No thank you is one of the most powerful tools a human being has in the fight for self esteem. If you really don’t want to do something, or eat something, or help with something, why would you ever say yes? Most people say yes because they are afraid to be perceived as someone who is unwilling to help, make plans, or be spontaneous – someone who isn’t fun at all. These fears drive the yes. Expect people to be a little annoyed with you because hearing no is uncomfortable – it’s rejection. Saying no, at first, may hurt people’s feelings, and it might even hurt your feelings too, but in the long run, people come around and have more respect for you as you increase the respect that you have for yourself, your own time, and your daily life. When you stop saying yes to everything in order to avoid hard feelings and please those around you, people do get over it. Some will stop asking, it’s true, but that might be a good thing, right? You can’t be everything to everyone. And you simply can’t say yes all the time without bringing some negative energy to yourself and your own personal growth.
This is especially true with children. We want to be able to provide them with everything they seemingly need (rides, new clothes, treats, getting a dog, etc.) but that often leads to financial depletion, and wearing ourselves ragged around the clock. We simply become “door mats” as their expectations and entitlements rise. They don’t mean it, (they’re just kids), but the gist of what I’m trying to say is that when you say yes all the time, kids get very used to it, and they either forget how or never learn to do things for themselves. They don’t feel disappointment or inconvenience of any kind, and that is just not the way life works. Blessed are the parents who can say without batting an eye, “I have an appointment tomorrow, please find a ride home from practice” and not worry about it. This teaches kids that mom and dad have a life too, and they are not always the center of the universe. It’s really okay to say no due to finances, time commitments, or the fact that you will be the one doing the work. Your life is important too. If you say yes to getting a dog, for example, realize that you will be the care-giver, despite their pleading promises. It’s okay to say no if it’s not part of your plan for your day, if you do not want to indulge in extra calories, if it’s not responsible, or if your heart just isn’t in it. And it’s absolutely okay to say no without providing a reason. It’s time to stop feeling like no is a selfish answer. It isn’t.
In order to get good at no thank you, honesty is key – vague honesty anyway – and never say you’re sorry if you don’t mean it. People will often respond to your no, thank you with why? You really do not need to have a reason handy, just try your best to be clear and firm. Here’s a list (surprise, surprise) of ways to say no without lying, and without the inevitable hard feelings:
Food
“Just have one piece, it wont’ kill you.” “no, thanks” “oh come on, it’s so good” “no, thank you, I’m not having a piece” “live a little!” “I am living, and I’m saying no” “No thank you, it’s not for me.” “Thanks for offering, but I’m going to say no this time.” “You are too kind, wow! I appreciate your offer, but I need to pass on it today.” “Oh, I don’t eat cupcakes very often anymore. They look great though!”
Plans, Events, Driving
“Can’t this week, but thanks for asking!” “I can’t drive you tomorrow.” “Why?” “Because I have other stuff going on.” “Wish I could, but I am busy.” “Wish I could go, but I can’t make it.” “Sounds fun, but I have other plans.”
Favors
“Not this time, my schedule is packed.” “I’d help if I could but I need to paint my own dining room this weekend!” “Oh, I just cleaned my garage last weekend, and this weekend I’m celebrating by doing nothing at all.”
The Dog
Please, please, please, please, please can we get another dog? “When you move out and get your own place, you can get all the dogs you want. If you want, you can get a million dogs and several cats too.” “No”
And here’s the best way to say no, thank you: “No, thank you.” See how easy that is?