Hello? Adele? Hi, it’s me.
Oh Adele. You’re so very talented. And good. And funny. And real.
And oh how I love to listen to your gorgeous lyrics, and the way you command an audience even when something weird happens to your music during a live performance that makes you sound, dare I say, pitchy. And the way your voice inflects to make two syllable words from one syllable words. I love that about you, Adele.
You’ve got it all, you really do. You’ve got your die-hard fans who unleash their wrath on the world when a person makes the slightest smidgen of a comment that is just the tiniest bit negative about you. And they will wait and wait (and wait, and wait) for your new music to come out. They love you a little more than I do Adele, it’s true. But, I do love you. Please go to bed at night knowing that. You’ve got your authentic roots. You’re grounded. You’ve got your Cockney British accent that is not the least bit annoying. Actually, it just makes you cooler.
And your kind of “Botticelli beauty” obliterates even the harshest critics. It transcends the ages. You’re a classic.
But, here’s the thing, Adele. I love you but…enough already. I can’t take it anymore.
Maybe you could channel Joan Jett or Chrissy Hynde. Just rock out for heaven’s sake – be sassy and brash. Honestly? Be Adele, only different. I want something new. Have an attitude! Swing that big, bad caboose. Curl your lips and snarl! Show your damn power. Rip the stage to shreds. I mean, doesn’t all that sadness turn to anger at some point? It’s time to get a little pissed off, and unleash some heated “girl-power” lyrics. You know, like Alanis did when she was thinking about some other perverted woman going down on her old boyfriend in a theater. You could really nail the word “theater” with your British accent, Adele. I bet you could make it a four syllable word, just saying.
Or give me something sexy.
Instead of pining over long lost loves and whining about breaking up, how about a slow groove? A “spread out on the bear skin rug in front of a fire”, baby-making, R & B jam? I don’t want to hear you mourn, I want to hear you moan. And I want to moan along with you, Adele. Okay, that sounded a little weirder than I intended, but hey – do you remember Donna Summer? Or Gladys Knight? or Nina Simone? Of course you don’t. But go listen to “Love to Love You Baby” or “Midnight Train to Georgia” or “Feeling Good” and give me something kind of like that, will you? Only better, because, well, you’re just better, that’s all. Except for Nina Simone. She’s pretty damn good so that one might be tough. But could you please give us something outside the neatly wrapped Adele Package?
Didn’t David Bowie teach you anything? Trust your talent, my friend.
Your song, you know the epic one, the one we all held our breath for, well, it’s just…I’ve heard that song before, Adele. And I don’t want your melancholy yearning, your endless tears of remorse over messing up your relationship. You lost him, we know. You were younger when it happened. Old news. Just, for the love of God, if you’re really on the other side now, give me something, ONE THING I can dance to. Channel Chaka Khan. Funk it up and whip your hair back and forth, because you ARE every woman, and we all love you for it. And some women are happy! Some of us want to have fun! We like to dance…and cry. That’s what makes us so mysterious.
You don’t always have to be so stoic and graceful behind the mic. Otherwise you will wind up just like Celine, who acts emotional when she sings, and looks into the horizon of an audience, but we can all kind of see right through it, and, oh Adele, you might end up living in Vegas. OMG. Of course that’s not a bad gig or anything, but you’re better than that Adele, come on.
Because here’s the thing Adele…you found love. You had a child. You took time off to be with your man. Aren’t you happy now? Well, at the very least, aren’t you not that sad anymore? Stop giving me so much sad, okay?
All I’m saying is, you can still write your trademark heartbreak songs, I mean, why would you stop? That’s your signature style and you know I will always love rolling in the deep with you. I know you have to sell records, but trust me, you will always sell records with that angelic voice of yours. And I’ll still buy your brand, because I love you and all, you’re a real deal talent, you really are, for sure, but, well, I think the beat needs to change. Just a little, Adele.
At least for your next album, “28” or whatever you’re going to call it.